Regret & Remorse
by a.l.russo
Summary: I wrote this a while ago before Wildlife and since my computer is working again, I'd figure I'd share this. This is basically Elliot's funeral, and how Olivia deals wioth it. EO. Oneshot. Enjoy.


Olivia had been driving for about an hour, with her thoughts racing madly. She hadn't thought of turning on music, and Olivia was alone, the only thing to comfort her being the sound of rain pounding on the windshield. Today was her day off, and the only thing she wanted to do was just drive to absolutely nowhere, with no one to comfort her.

Her mind got lost in replaying everything that had happened, and although she wasn't allowing it, she let this one time absently slip.

_Olivia walked out of her house, a black dress on and her black clutch in her hand. Alec and Casey waited downstairs for her, both of them being very cautious in their actions and sayings. "Ready?" Casey asked, lightly._

_Olivia nodded, and Alec opened the door for her. Once sliding into the back, Alec followed._

_Olivia noted that both women were wearing black as well, and each bore their make-up differently. Casey made her mascara heavy, but not heavy enough to be overdone. Her face was white, and Olivia couldn't decipher whether it was the make-up or Casey's actual face._

_Alec, who never wore make-up, wore light mascara. Her eye-shadow was a light color—light pink, light purple, maybe?—which complimented her ice blue eyes. Olivia tried to ignore the fact that her eyes were just like his._

_Casey drove, and Alec sat with Olivia just in case she broke down. After ten minutes of silence, (with no sobs or gasps) Casey muttered sadly, "We're here," and turned into the funeral home parking lot. Parking the car, Casey shut off the engine and got out almost as quickly as possible, and waited for Olivia and Alec to do the same._

_The three women walked into the funeral home, boldly and strong. Casey and Alec both linked arms with Olivia, discreetly being her support. Olivia was aware of this, and usually she would object to it, but she needed it today more than ever. _

_Alec motioned to Casey to the cork-board with the pictures. One of the pictures, showed him and his family, all out for his birthday. Another showed him and the squad, all happy and giddy. And of course, Olivia was sitting right next to him._

_Olivia made her way to his open casket, and Alec and Casey followed her. They walked past the crowd of people they all knew so well—Munch, who was usually cracking jokes and making everything light, wasn't breathing a word. Fin, who stated that he couldn't stand him, stood at his funeral anyway with a drink in his hand, and a genuine grieved face. Cragen, who was usually harsh on him, had his jaw clenched and his eyebrows scrunched, possibly holding back tears that were threatening to flood his face. _

_Then there was his family, who all were doing the same thing: bawling their eyes out. Even the baby, who was usually even-tempered, was crying silently._

_Olivia, Casey, and Alec, finally reached the casket. They all stood in front of it for a moment, silently debating on who should go first. Alec, who usually went first in these sort of situations, went to the casket. Although she was Jewish, she kneeled anyway, and whispered her own prayer for him. Stepping back, she let Casey go, and did the same thing._

_When Olivia' turn came, Alec and Casey simultaneously stood back. Kneeling down, Olivia grabbed his hand and whispered, "Hey, El. I never got the chance to tell you this…" Slipping a note under his hand, she kissed his thumb and stood back._

_"The funeral is beginning, please find a seat." Someone called out. _

_Once finding a seat, the priest stood at the podium, and sighed. "Today, we had a request from the family that they would like to start off with the eulogy. Giving that, is Mr. Stabler's best friend, Olivia Benson." _

_Olivia stood up, bringing her black clutch with her to the podium. Searching around in the little bag and finding the folded up piece of paper, Olivia began. "Um," she spoke into the microphone, her voice cracking. "I know that El would want to lighten things up a bit, because that was just who he was. But let me start off with the basics." She cleared her throat, getting into the reminiscing mode._

_"When I was 32, I was promoted to a detective. I remember walking into my precinct, praying to God that my partner wasn't a jerk. My captain, Don Cragen, said that Elliot was harsh, but if you got on his good side, he'd like you. After about ten minutes of nervous waiting, Elliot walked in, and we instantly clicked._

_"As we got to know each other, I became more secure around him. I told him everything about me, and he did the same. He talked about his wife and kids, and because I don't have a family, I talked mainly about how my childhood was and how I became a detective. He was always there for me, and I was for him." She sighed; this part was the hardest._

_"And now, the truth." She smoothed the crumpled up paper, just for stalling tactics. "When I had gone undercover, I was tortured, and beaten. I was hesitant to tell Elliot about this, mainly because I didn't want him to worry. But when he pried it out of me, it felt so good to get it off my chest. I must have cried into his shoulder for hours, and that's when I realized…" she looked over at Kathy, his wife, whom of which nodded slowly, "that I loved him. I loved Elliot so much." A tear rolled down Olivia's face, as she continued. "He was my best friend, and I never got the chance to tell him how I felt. If I could, I would trade everything and anything to have that chance back." Letting a tear roll down her cheek, she stepped down from the podium._

_She walked out of the building, and went to her car. When she went to pull the car handle, she heard two pairs of heels clicking rapidly against concrete._

_"Olivia!" One voice called._

_"Wait!" Cried the other. _

_Olivia spun around, to see a disheveled and tear stained Alec and Casey. "I can't stay," Olivia said, confronting the two._

_"Elliot left you this," Alec said, breathless. She opened her clutch and handed her a piece of folded up paper. "He told me to give it to you after you read his eulogy."_

_Olivia opened it, her heart racing._

_**Olivia Marie Benson:**_

_**I love you.**_

_**So much.**_

_**-El**_

Olivia looked over to the passenger seat, and looked at the paper. She held it to her lips and kissed it, knowing that it would be the closest she would ever get to Elliot ever again.

Olivia pulled over to the highway's shoulder, and began to weep, her head on the steering wheel. As she clutched the paper for dear life, she thought of a song:

I've been driving for an hour,

Just talking to the rain.

You say I've been driving you crazy,

And it's keeping you away.

So just give me one good reason,

Tell me why,

I should stay,

'Cause I don't want to waste another moment,

Saying things we never meant to say.

And I,

Take you just a little when,

I,

Hold my breath and count to ten,

I am waiting for a chance to let you in.

If I just,

Breathe,

Every little space between I know,

Everything is alright,

Breathe,

Every little piece of me you'll see,

Everything is alright,

If I just,

Breathe.

Olivia thought of the truth behind the song, and felt as though they were played in her head for a reason. As she wept, she felt a certain weight on her shoulders; it wasn't mental, it felt…real. Then next thing she felt, was something pressed against her lips, though nothing was touching them. Wiping her eyes, she placed two fingers on her lips, and the feeling left.

Olivia lifted her head from the steering wheel, and smiled. Just then, she felt her phone vibrating on her hip. Reading the caller I.D., it said it was Alec.

"Benson" She said professionally, clearing her throat and wiping her eyes with one of her sleeves.

"Liv," Alec said on the other line, almost breathless with worry. "How are you doing?"

Olivia smiled to herself. "A lot better."


End file.
